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The Tudors Fan Scripts
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|NAME: <a href="/account/Holly2" target="_self">Holly2</a> Leave a comment for Holly2 <a href="/thread/1758364/Comments+for+Holly2%27s+Fan+Scripts" target="_self">HERE</a>|
SCRIPT TITLE: Hallucination/Ghost Anne: Preview
A parody based on the idea of Anne coming back to haunt Henry - literally. For all those who want to see Natalie Dormer next season and/or to see Henry get his richly deserved comeuppance. Loosely based on the ending of "Anne of the Thousand Days", since I haven't seen how this goes on "The Tudors", to give an idea of what it's about.
*May 19th, 1536. Henry, along with several courtiers, including Brandon, is sitting on horseback on a stretch of road.*
HENRY: (practically bouncing with impatience) How much longer is this going to take?
*In the distance, they hear the sound of cannon fire*
BRANDON: It's over.
*Awkward silence for a minute or so; what exactly is one supposed to say to a man who has just been widowed because he had his wife killed?*
COURTIER: Where to, Your Majesty?
HENRY: To Mistress Seymour's! (He stiffens as he hears a voice speak up behind him)
VOICE: This is so beyond tacky. (Henry turns, his eyes widen and he gapes like a goldfish when he sees Anne, with her head still attached, standing behind him, scowling. Nobody else sees that she's there or hears her speak) My body's not even cold yet and you're running off to that wench, Jane Seymour!
*Anne covers her ears with her hands just in time. Henry starts screaming at the top of his lungs, loudly enough to deafen anyone within a hundred feet of him. Brandon and the courtiers jump to action, alert against whatever threat has Henry so scared. They don't see any threat and their questions about what's wrong are drowned out by Henry's shrieks of terror. Finally, he gets out of breath and can't scream any more*
ANNE: (tentatively lowering her hands) Are you quite finished?
HENRY: (Stares at Anne in horrified silence for a moment, hyperventilating, before he faints, falling off his horse and landing flat on his back in the dirt. His courtiers rush forward to help)
ANNE: (Unseen by the others, she stands next to Henry, prodding his side with the toe of her slipper. He doesn't move. She shrugs, an amused smile tugging at the corners of her mouth) I wasn't expecting the fainting part.
| COMMENT: LOL! Too funny, you know I love this! A fantastic introduction to everyone's favorite dead queen, Hallucination/Ghost Anne! |
BY MEMBER: SemperEadem
| COMMENT: Kudos to Anne Boleyn for haunting Henry that was funny. She's right how dare Henry go after Jane when the cannon just roared GRRR. LOL good job so far|
| COMMENT: Oh my god! I could almost see Natalie saying 'this is so beyond tacky' with her raised eyebrow! Fantastic! |
BY MEMBER: Missie Tudor
|NAME: <a href="/account/Holly2" target="_self">Holly2</a> Leave a comment for Holly2 <a href="/thread/1758364/Comments+for+Holly2%27s+Fan+Scripts" target="_self">HERE</a>|
THE RETURN OF THE QUEEN
Episode the First
SCENE I*Eleven days after Anne dies and Hallucination/Ghost Anne makes her appearance, Henry is in his chamber, where his servants help him get dressed for his wedding to Jane Seymour. Hallucination/Ghost Anne sits on the side of the bed, watching the proceedings critically*
ANNE: (regards Henry's outfit with a raised eyebrow) You look ridiculous. White is definitely not your colour – anyway, I don't think you're supposed to wear it to a wedding, in case you outshine the bride. And that'd be very easy to do with this bride. I give it a year – two, tops.
HENRY: Be quiet.
SERVANT 1: Your Majesty?
HENRY: Not you! (he takes a deep breath as his servants help him put on his white, jewel-encrusted doublet)
ANNE: It looks a little tight around the chest and stomach, if you ask me - and I'm not surprised after the way you gorged on that poor swan. Do you think there's still time to get the tailor to let it out?
HENRY: That's enough!
ANNE: Does it bother you that no matter what you've done or ever will do as King, hundreds of years from now, all most people will ever remember when they think of you is that you were a fat pig who went through wife after wife after wife…
HENRY: (stamps his foot) They won't think that - and you know that Jane is my first true wife!
SERVANT 2: Yes, Your Majesty.
SERVANT 1: We know that to be true, Your Majesty. (He turns away to pick up Henry's shoes, rolling his eyes. Luckily for him, Henry doesn't see this. Anne does and she laughs)
HENRY: What's so funny? (Servants exchange puzzled looks. Henry sighs, scowling at Anne) Forget it, you can leave me. (Servants leave and Henry turns to Anne) Just how long are you planning on haunting me?
ANNE: What makes you so sure that I'm a ghost? What makes you so sure that I'm here at all? Maybe you're just imagining me. Maybe the guilt is too much for you and you're cracking up and that's why you think that I'm still here.
HENRY: (yells) Why would I feel...
ANNE: Ssh. If anyone hears you, they'll think their King is mad...der than usual.
HENRY: (whispers) Why would I feel guilty? You're the one who cheated on me! With a hundred men!
ANNE: I never did that. How could I possibly sneak one guy past all the sentries and courtiers and ladies in waiting, let alone a hundred?
HENRY: (triumphantly) Ha! Got you! Now I know that you're a ghost - if I was just imagining you, you wouldn't be denying it. You'd say that you were guilty.
ANNE: Because that's what you believe?
HENRY: (looks away) Yes.
ANNE: Uh-huh. Maybe you could try looking me in the eye when you say that.
HENRY: (makes several valiant efforts but can't manage it. Finally, he mumbles something)
ANNE: What was that? I can't quite make it out.
HENRY: (after a loooong pause, he finally whispers) I don't.
ANNE: (gets off the bed and circles Henry slowly, then leans against the desk, looking at him) There. Was that so difficult?
HENRY: (hopefully) You mean...
ANNE: (laughs) What? You seriously think that's all it's going to take to get you off the hook? God, no! I'm just getting started. (She smacks him over the head)
HENRY: OW!!! What was that for?! (Anne smacks him again, this time for being an idiot) If you're just a figment of my imagination, why can I feel it when you hit me?
ANNE: (Shrugs, then hits him again) Ask your subconscious.
HENRY: Anne! Do that one more time and I'll...
ANNE: (sarcastically) You'll what? Kill me? Been there, done that. (smacks him again)
*From the doorway, the two servants watch in alarm as their king ducks blows and yells at thin air*
SERVANT 1: His Majesty has gone mad, hasn't he?
SERVANT 2: He said goodbye to sanity a long time ago.
ANNE: (kicks Henry in the balls) That's for the incest charge!
*Cromwell knocks before entering*
HENRY: (limps over to him and grabs him by the front of his robes, babbling) Do you see her? Do you see her?! She'd haunt you too, wouldn't she, if she really was here and it wasn't all in my head? Of course she would, she knows that you arranged the case against her...
CROMWELL: Of whom do you speak, Your Majesty?
ANNE: (moves to stand beside Cromwell, putting an arm around him and looking at Henry. Cromwell is unaware of her presence) Go on, Henry, tell him. I'm sure that he'll think that it's perfectly normal and sane to see your dead wife.
HENRY: (glares at her, furious) Anne!
CROMWELL: (very slowly) Your Majesty, the Queen... I mean, the Lady Anne was beheaded, remember? We charged her with adultery, she was convicted and the marriage was annulled. (cautiously) You do remember, right...
ANNE: If our marriage was annulled and we were never really married, how could I commit adultery? You really need to get yourself a smarter lawyer. Elizabeth could have spotted the flaw in that line of reasoning, and she's not even three yet.
HENRY: (lunges at her and nearly knocks Cromwell flat on his back) Will you just shut up?! GO AWAY!!!
CROMWELL: (is confused by Henry's behaviour and makes a mental note to have a padded cell prepared, just in case, before changing the subject) Your Majesty, it is past ten.
HENRY: What of it?
CROMWELL: Your wedding – Mistress Seymour awaits you in the chapel, along with her family.
ANNE: (sarcastically) And we don't want to keep her waiting, do we?
HENRY: (frowns at her use of the word "we") You can go ahead, Master Cromwell. Tell Mistress Seymour that I'll be there in a moment.
CROMWELL: (bows) Yes, Your Majesty. (he leaves)
HENRY: (turns to Anne, steeling himself before speaking) Anne, there's something I want you to... for old time's sake... if you could just...
ANNE: You'd better not be planning on asking me for a favour.
HENRY: Be reasonable!
ANNE: (scoffs) Says the guy who had me murdered! How "reasonable" was that?!
HENRY: You are not coming near the chapel for my wedding. I forbid it!
ANNE: And you'll be stopping me how?
HENRY: (realizes that she has a point and changes tactics) Please, you can't be there, not today of all days. I'll give you whatever you want if you leave me alone for the ceremony, just ask.
ANNE: I'll take my life, thanks... oh, wait. You already had me killed! (kicks him in the shins)
HENRY: (tries to retaliate but his foot passes straight through her. He loses his balance and falls to the ground with a heavy crash) So you can attack me as much as you like but I can't even fight back?!
ANNE: That's how it works. (She paces the room for a moment, rustling the papers on his desk, before coming back to stand over him, her expression softening as she reaches out a hand to help him up. Henry recoils from her) It's alright, I won't bite - not today, anyway. (Henry takes her hand and lets her help him to his feet) Did you really think that I'd want to be there when my husband marries some stupid wench? Some things are just too much for a girl to take.
HENRY: So you won't be in the chapel?
ANNE: I won't be in the chapel, I promise. (crosses her heart with one hand and pats him on the back with the other) And unless you want to be even later than you already are, I suggest that you should get there quickly.
HENRY: (realizes that everyone's waiting for him. He hurries away, calling back over his shoulder) Thanks, Anne!
ANNE: You're welcome. (she glances down at her hand, opening it to reveal a now empty bottle of ink. Looking up, she sees Henry's retreating form and the black stain spreading across the back of his doublet) Had to be done. White just isn't him. (She listens for a moment, hearing something that the audience cannot) That's right, I'm not going to go to the chapel for the ceremony. I can cut him some slack, just this once and the wedding ceremony's really not something I want to watch. (smiles wickedly) But I never made any promises about the feast afterwards.
SCENE II*Wedding feast. First we see the scene through the eyes of Mr. Everyman. The tables are literally creaking with the weight of the food. The Seymours are sitting at the top table with Henry and Jane. Everyone is having a fabulous time stuffing their faces, drinking enough wine to float a small ship, etc... everyone except Henry that is. He is glowering and keeps fidgeting in his seat, attracting increasing amounts of attention, especially from Jane Seymour, who is rather alarmed by this behaviour.
The scene then shifts to Henry’s POV and we see that Anne is sitting on his knee while he does his best to ‘discreetly’ push her off.*
HENRY: (whispers) I thought you said that you weren’t coming!
ANNE: To the ceremony. You never said anything about wanting me to stay away from the feast.
HENRY: I do – now go away and leave me alone!
ANNE: Hmm, let me think about that... No.
HENRY: (whines) Anne!
ANNE: (mimics whine) Henry! (she starts playing with his hair) This parting looks so much better on you.
HENRY: (tries to slap her hand away) Stop that!
*Scene shifts back to Mr Everyman’s POV. The courtiers, including Brandon, the Seymours and Cromwell watch, bewildered as Henry takes repeated swipes at his own head, muttering furiously*
JANE: (her expression says it all; What have I gotten myself into?) Your Majesty?
HENRY: (does his best to smile and look as though everything is normal as he attempts to push Anne – still invisible to the audience – off his lap and stop her playing with his hair) Sweet Jane. My dearest love. (His head jerks back as though someone just yanked half the hair out of his head) OW!!! ANNE!
*Henry yelling out Anne's name gets everybody's attention. You can practically hear the cogs turning in people's brains as they try to figure out the significance of this; Does he miss her? Does he regret her execution? Is he losing it?*
HENRY: (Aware of everyone’s eyes on him, he glares) What are you all looking at?! Eat! (He stuffs a fistful of meat into his mouth to demonstrate and the courtiers follow his example, all looking wary)
*Scene shifts back to Henry’s POV*
ANNE: (shakes her head) I haven’t been dead a fortnight and your table manners are already a thing of the past. Henry, we have cutlery for a reason.
HENRY: Shut up – you can’t tell me what to do. I’ll eat the way I want to.
ANNE: I’m going to make this very simple; you either eat with your knife and fork, or I’ll stab you in the crotch with them. It’s your choice.
HENRY: (gapes at her for a moment, trying to decide if she’s serious. When she starts to reach for his fork, he snatches it up, along with his knife, before she can get it and starts to cut up his food and eat like a civilized human being) Happy?
ANNE: Don’t talk with your mouth full. I hope that you’re not going to eat like this around our daughter. I really don’t want her picking up your bad habits.
HENRY: Your daughter. I have no way of knowing that the little bastard is mine.
*Mr Everyman’s POV. The courtiers watch, agape as Henry suddenly smashes his head into the table*
*Henry’s POV. Anne has a fistful of Henry’s hair gripped in one hand and is slamming his head down against the table. When she lets go, he sits up, blood pouring from his nose*
ANNE: (deceptively calm) You and I need to get one thing perfectly clear right now. If you insist on insulting me, go ahead, I can and will stand up for myself but if you ever, ever say another word against our daughter, I swear to you that you will regret it for the rest of your life. (she whispers something in his ear. Henry turns several shades paler and places a protective hand over his genitals) Understand?
HENRY: (Nods emphatically) I understand.
JANE: (very alarmed by this. She tentatively reaches out to take Henry’s hand) Your Majesty... husband...
HENRY: (forces himself to smile) It is alright, Jane. (he picks up his goblet of wine and takes a sip to steady himself) Forgive me, I am... troubled.
JANE: (smiles sweetly as she nods) I understand, my lord. After learning of the Que... the Lady Anne’s faithlessness, it does not surprise me that you are troubled. To be betrayed thus... (she shakes her head, tut-tutting at Anne’s supposed wickedness)
ANNE: (sees red at this and grabs Henry’s wrist, guiding his hand)
*Mr Everyman’s POV. The courtiers see Henry pour a goblet of wine in Jane’s lap*
*Henry’s POV. Anne releases his hand and he gives her a look that could kill (if she wasn’t already dead) before turning to Jane*
HENRY: (apologetic) Forgive me, sweetheart. I don’t know what has come over me. (He shoots Anne a spiteful smirk) Perhaps it is the anticipation. (Lowers his voice to a whisper, audible only to Anne and Jane) I am really looking forward to our wedding night.
ANNE: (Untroubled, she returns Henry’s smirk) Me too.
HENRY: (Realizing the implications of this, he gulps in terror)
*Night. Mr Everyman’s POV. Two sentries are standing guard outside the bedchamber as Henry and Jane get ready to consummate the marriage when they hear a bellow from within*
*The sentries keep their eyes down as Henry storms out of his bedchamber in a royal huff, stomping and muttering furiously*
*Henry’s POV. As he storms off, Anne follows him out into the corridor and calls out to him*
ANNE: (innocently) What are you so upset about? All I said was that it looks smaller than I remember.
HENRY: (Ignores her and continues to stomp away. Anne doesn’t follow)
JANE: (Warily peeps out of the bedchamber, wondering what on Earth she has done to offend her new husband so much that he runs away halfway through their wedding night - after shouting out his dead wife's name, no less. Henry doesn’t glance back and Jane, avoiding the sentries’ eyes, quietly returns to the bedchamber, shutting the door behind her)
SENTRY 1: (whispers) So how long do you think she’s going to last?
SENTRY 2: (shrugs) Not long. She’s no Queen Anne.
SENTRY 1: (shakes his head sadly) That she isn’t and more’s the pity. She was a beautiful woman.
SENTRY 2: God rest her.
ANNE: (touched) I always liked you two.
HENRY: Leave me! (He continues to pace, speaking quickly) Why is this happening to me? I did what I had to do - the only thing I could do. She had to die. She had to! (looks to the silver crucifix More gave him) You know that I had to make a true marriage and give England an heir so why are you letting her punish me like this? Or is this more of her witchcraft, another trick...
ANNE: (appears beside him) They say that talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity. (tilts her head slightly as she studies him) I wonder where seeing dead people falls on that list.
HENRY: Go away.
ANNE: It doesn't matter how often you say that, it's not going to happen. (Sits on the table, gently swinging her legs back and forth) And give your sentries a raise.
HENRY: (is puzzled by this but decides against arguing with her) Fine. I'll have Master Cromwell see to it.
HENRY: (sarcastically) Did you have a particular figure in mind or should I just guess?
ANNE: I think you know what kind of reward the people protecting you deserve, and you know that they’re not getting it right now – why else would I be bringing it up?
HENRY: (very unconvincingly) I’m not imagining you.
ANNE: Of course you’re not. (pauses thoughtfully) But if I were a figment of your imagination, I’d probably be saying that anyway because you don’t want to believe that you’re losing it.
HENRY: I’m not!
ANNE: Who ever said that you were?
HENRY: You did.
ANNE: Technically, if I were a figment of your imagination, you would be the one who said it, so at least part of you would know that your sanity isn’t what it should be.
HENRY: (gives up on trying to follow the logic) That’s enough – you’re giving me a headache.
ANNE: (sarcastically) Headaches aren’t something I have a problem with anymore.
HENRY: What do you want from me?
ANNE: What makes you think I want something?
HENRY: Why else would you be here? (Anne starts to answer but he cuts her off, scowling) And don’t you dare say that I’m imagining you!
ANNE: You think that not saying it will make it less true?
HENRY: It’s not true. It can’t be. Give me one good reason why I would imagine that you were still here.
ANNE: Maybe because you miss me. Maybe because you’re lonely.
HENRY: (scoffs) Why would I miss you? Why would I be lonely? (spiteful) In case you didn’t notice, I have a wife now – a true wife, a woman I love.
ANNE: And yet you’re spending your wedding night sitting in the dark with me instead of in bed with your new wife. (smiles slightly) It’s not exactly a good beginning, is it?
HENRY: I’m only here because you said…
ANNE: So you were paying more attention to what I was saying than to what you were supposed to be doing with your (makes air quote signs with her fingers) “true wife”? (smirks) I’m flattered. Jane would probably be very insulted by that, though. I know I would in her shoes.
HENRY: (At a loss for words, he turns away from Anne and looks out the window)
ANNE: (Gets off the table and moves to stand next to him. The garden is dark but the moonlight illuminates the pond and we see one swan swimming alone) He looks so lonely.
HENRY: It’s only a swan.
ANNE: A swan who is all alone because you killed his mate.
HENRY: (rolls his eyes) There are plenty of other swans out there.
ANNE: (very softly) That doesn't matter to him. They mated for life. You killing her doesn't mean that he can move on. He will never be able to do that.
HENRY: (watches the lonely swan for a few moments, his emotions written on his face; mostly denial and maybe a faint tinge of regret) Anne... (he turns towards her but she's gone. He's alone in the room. Not entirely sure whether he should be pleased about that or not, he watches the swan swimming for another minute, then quietly exits)
*The scene shifts outside, by the pond where the swan is swimming*
ANNE: (walks over to stand by the edge of the water. She glances up for a moment, asking a silent question, and then kneels down, reaching out to touch the water with one fingertip)
*Brilliant, silver-white light spreads from the tip of Anne's finger, the ripples of water carrying it over towards the swan. As the light gets closer, it starts to take shape and by the time it reaches the swan, it has coalesced into the form of another swan, his mate. The two swans, the living one and the ghost, swim together as they did before, happily reunited. Anne smiles sadly as she watches them and the scene slowly fades to black*
| COMMENT: SemperEadem |
BY MEMBER: Loved the swan jab!
| COMMENT: MsSquirrly|
BY MEMBER: HAHA Gives new meaning to " I see dead people" & I wish they would leave me alone!
| COMMENT:I thought the swan reference was enchanting. I could hear natalie and jrm's voices while I read it! |
| COMMENT: actchickcee|
BY MEMBER: Great to see Henry get some of the torment he doles out without a second thought. I really liked the bit about the swan.
|NAME: Holly2 Leave your comments for Holly2 <a href="/thread/1758364/Comments+for+Holly2%27s+Fan+Scripts" target="_self">HERE</a>|
THE RETURN OF THE QUEEN
Episode the Second
*Two sentries are on duty outside Henry’s bedchamber. They look very bored and sit in silence for a minute before one of them breaks it.*
SENTRY 1: So... do you think that tonight’s the night?
SENTRY 2: (shrugs) If not, his Majesty is going to be in a foul mood tomorrow morning. He and Mistress Seymour... I mean Queen Jane (he makes a face, as though the name leaves a sour taste in his mouth) have been married for a full week now, and so far there’s been nothing!
SENTRY 1: I’d not say that there’s been nothing. Just not what His Majesty would wish to happen.
SENTRY 2: Nothing happened last night; there wasn’t a sound out of them.
SENTRY 1: I think that they began the night before, but then the King ran from his chamber, screaming.
SENTRY 2: (shakes his head at the memory) He sounded as though a wild beast was pursuing him.
SENTRY 1: And the night before that, he set the bed on fire – it was a miracle that they escaped unharmed.
SENTRY 2: And the night before that, he called in the priest to exorcise the room. I’ve never seen the like. He was so eager to marry Queen Jane, before poor Queen Anne was even cold, you would think that he’d want to get down to business as quickly as possible.
SENTRY 1: If you ask me, he misses Queen Anne. There’ll not be another like her and he knows it.
SENTRY 2: Aye. If she were still with us, he’d not have this problem.
*We see Anne sitting beside the window, a book in her lap. The sentries can’t see her or her book*
ANNE: That’s sweet, guys, but I don’t think that I’m going to be able to get you another raise. (She returns her attention to her book, reading quietly for a few moments before looking up, hearing something that the audience cannot. She makes a face.) Come on! You know how busy I’ve been these last few nights!
*Series of flashbacks, showing the past few nights*
*First flashback: a priest is walking through the room performing an exorcism while Henry and a very amused Anne watch*
PRIEST: (Looks utterly bewildered as he goes through the motions, chanting the Latin prayers)
ANNE: You’re not getting rid of me that easily.
HENRY: Oh, yes I am. (hissed whisper) I’m consummating my marriage and you can’t stop me!
ANNE: (laughs) Keep telling yourself that. (The priest waves the incense in her general direction, chanting away. She shrugs, completely unaffected) Am I supposed to feel different?
*Second flashback. Jane is sitting up in bed, smiling at Henry as he walks towards her in his nightshirt*
HENRY: (gives her a feral smile, then gets nervous, looking behind him to make sure that Anne’s not there.)
JANE: My lord.
HENRY: My lady. (Bows a little and takes advantage of the opportunity to check under the bed. It’s dark, so he can’t see anything. He grabs a candle from the bedside to take another look. Obviously, Anne’s not hiding under the bed. Henry breathes a sigh of relief and starts to stand)
ANNE: (from behind him) Boo!
HENRY: (lets out a very high-pitched shriek and drops the candle on the coverlet, which catches fire)
JANE: (Screams and jumps out of bed before her nightgown catches fire, whimpering in fright)
ANNE: (clapping very slowly) Way to go, Henry.
HENRY: (furious) Will you just shut up and do something useful for once?! Help me put out this fire!
JANE: (looks very hurt but doesn’t say anything)
*The two sentries run in. Thankfully, they are both far more sensible than Henry and Jane put together and one of them snatches a jug of water from Henry’s washstand and flings it over the bed, dousing the flames.*
SENTRY 2: (dying to ask what’s going on but not daring to) Will that be all, Your Majesty?
HENRY: Yes, yes. (Waves to dismiss them, including Jane in the gesture. Once they’re alone, he scowls at Anne) I hope that you’re happy.
ANNE: (innocently) What did I do?
*Third flashback. Henry and Jane are lying in bed, side by side. Jane looks miserable; obviously, she knows that, as the first weeks of marriage goes, they’re doing very badly and, given who she’s married to, that could be very dangerous. Henry is giving himself a little pep talk*
HENRY: (very softly) You can do this. She’s dead and she can’t stop you. You’re married and it’s time that that marriage was consummated, whether she likes it or not. She keeps saying she’s just in my head – that means that I can shut her out…
JANE: (tentatively) My lord? Husband? Is everything all right? Is there anything that I can do for you?
HENRY: (makes effort to look normal) Everything is fine. (Reaches out to stroke the side of her face) And there is only one thing that I ask of you…
JANE: (Gets his meaning and smiles. Finally!)
HENRY: (Is ready to get started when he hears a faint noise and sees the gleam of something shiny)
*A sword – looking remarkably like the one used to behead Anne – floats into the room by itself, moving towards Henry. Jane can’t see it.*
HENRY: (shaking his head, determined to hold his ground this time) No, she isn’t going to go that far… she wouldn’t dare… would she?
*The sword hovers directly over Henry’s privates and his bravado disappears. He leaps out of bed, screaming and makes a run for it, dashing out of the room past his bewildered sentries*
ANNE: (becomes visible to the audience but not to Jane. The sword is still hovering in the air and she reaches out to take it, listening to Henry’s still audible screams as he runs away) That was fun.
*Fourth flashback. It’s evening and Henry is alone with Anne in his chamber, glaring at her*
HENRY: So what can I expect from you tonight?
HENRY: (Snorts) Is it supposed to be a surprise?
HENRY: So I’m supposed to guess, is that it? Are you planning on throwing things at us when we’re in bed? Or, since you’ve tried fire, maybe you’re going to use boiling oil next? Or will you play tricks on my eyes to make me think that my sweet, lovely Jane is an ugly old crone?
ANNE: (laughs) I like that one.
HENRY: (Realizes that giving her ideas is not in his best interests) Anne, I’m serious. I can’t go on like this, spending every night worrying, wondering what you’ve got planned for me. Tell me, what are you going to do to stop us consummating our marriage tonight?
ANNE: I already told you. Nothing.
HENRY: ‘Nothing’ as in ‘you haven’t decided yet’?
ANNE: ‘Nothing’ as in ‘nothing’. (Henry’s hopeful expression disappears at her next words) I won’t have to do anything.
HENRY: What’s that supposed to mean?
ANNE: (shrugs, as though she couldn’t care less) Let’s just say that you’re not going to be able to fulfil your end of the bargain.
HENRY: (horrified) You mean…
HENRY: I don’t believe you.
ANNE: That’s your choice.
HENRY: There’s nothing wrong with me!
ANNE: (bored) Of course there isn’t.
HENRY: There isn’t!
*Cut to later that night. Henry and Jane are lying side by side in bed, wide awake and motionless.*
HENRY: (embarrassed) Damn it, Anne!
*Back to the present*
ANNE: (still talking to somebody – or somebodies – the audience can’t see or hear) …it’s not easy coming up with something new every night and I’m not about to repeat myself. I need to take a break once in a while. Besides, it’s not like I don’t have somebody filling in for me.
*A shriek of pain is heard from within the bedchamber and, a moment later, the Ghost Swan emerges*
GHOST SWAN: ([what do you call the sound a swan makes?])
ANNE: Thanks for your help.
GHOST SWAN: (Says something else)
ANNE: (winces slightly) He tasted that bad? (Ghost Swan nods) Sorry about that. I really appreciate your help. Tell Zeus I said ‘hello’.
*Ghost Swan leaves. Henry limps out of his bedchamber, holding a hand to his posterior, with a very pained expression on his face. Anne just about manages to stifle a giggle.*
HENRY: I don’t even want to know what just happened in there but I know that it’s all your fault! (Not giving her a chance to say anything, he hobbles away as fast as he can)
ANNE: (listens to a voice the audience can’t hear) I was thinking another week, maybe two if Henry insists on being such a bastard. (frowns slightly at the response) Are you sure that wouldn’t be going a bit too far? (Pause for response. Anne involuntarily touches her neck) Point taken. (Another pause. Anne raises her own hand and looks like she’s counting something) Fine, majority rules – a month it is.
*One month later. Morning. Henry is in his privy chamber, working… or at least trying to work. His expression is stony as he focuses on his papers and he is clearly not a happy bunny. Anne appears by his side, looking very cheerful.*
ANNE: So, how was your big night?
HENRY: (Ignores her)
ANNE: That bad? (winces in mock-sympathy) Ouch. And after waiting for so long, too.
HENRY: (half-hearted) Be quiet.
ANNE: (pats him on the head, mussing his hair) Never mind – after all, as long as you get your precious son out of it, it’ll all be worth it, right? What are love, passion and excitement compared to that?
HENRY: I blame you for this. After you made me wait for so long to be a true husband to Jane…
ANNE: A month or so? Compared to the years we waited, that’s nothing – and I seem to remember that we did very nicely together.
HENRY: (softly, almost wistfully) Yes, we did.
ANNE: Don’t tell me that you’re getting nostalgic.
HENRY: (defensive) No!
ANNE: I want to see Elizabeth.
HENRY: She’s at Hatfield. You know where that is – if you want to leave me and go to see your daughter, you can go right ahead and visit. (Hopeful) In fact, you can stay there, with my blessing.
ANNE: (snaps) If it was that easy, I’d be there already. I need you to bring her here. (Realizes that she’s said more than she intended to and stops talking but the damage is done and Henry pounces on this tit-bit)
HENRY: (with a smug smile) So there is something that you need from me, something that you can’t do for yourself…
ANNE: (warning) Henry…
HENRY: You want to see Elizabeth but the only way you’re going to be able to do that is if I bring her here, is that it? You can’t go to her, you can’t protect her…
ANNE: Don’t even think about trying to blackmail me through our daughter.
HENRY: You think that I’d hurt Elizabeth?
ANNE: (furious) You think that you haven’t already? I know that you had her sent away and that you haven’t gone to visit her since then. Have you even written to Lady Bryan to find out how she is? Or read any of the letters she sends you about her? (The expression on Henry’s face answers her question. She pushes his hand aside, rifling through the stack of letters awaiting his attention to find the one she wants) Read that.
HENRY: (not daring to argue, he breaks the seal of the letter and reads it, with Anne reading over his shoulder. As he reads, his expression shifts between guilty and self-righteous. Although it settles on the latter, he is far from surprised when Anne slaps him over the back of his head)
ANNE: (starts off in a normal tone of voice but ends up shouting) First, you declare her a bastard – wasn’t it enough for you to leave her motherless? – then you banish her, and now you’re neglecting her? She is your daughter and she needs you! What the Hell kind of father are you?! And to think that you want more children! You don’t deserve the ones you have!
ANNE: Quiet! (her temper cools a little but she is still clearly very angry with him) As you may or may not have figured out, I’m not just in your head…
HENRY: I knew it! (Gets a death glare from Anne for the interruption and promptly shuts up)
ANNE: I’m also not going anywhere, any time soon. You can’t get rid of me and you can’t stop me doing whatever I want to do to you. These past weeks barely count as a warm-up. I’d be lying if I said that I’m going to make the rest of your life pleasant but I can make it even more unpleasant than you could ever imagine and I promise you that I will do it if you ever do anything to hurt Elizabeth – or Mary – again. The choice is yours.
HENRY: (grudgingly) I’ll have Cromwell send Lady Bryan money for Elizabeth.
ANNE: You’ll also reimburse the money you took to pay for my imprisonment; you’re both sick to even think of making her pay for that.
HENRY: And I’ll write to invite her to court. (looks warily at Anne, wondering what else he should add) Is that all?
ANNE: (regards him silently for a moment before nodding) For now. Start writing.
*Henry is holding audiences with a group of courtiers, including Brandon and the Seymours. Jane is sitting in the throne next to him and Anne is sitting on his knee. A messenger enters while Sir John Seymour is speaking.*
MESSENGER: Your Majesty, the Lady Elizabeth has arrived.
HENRY: (irritated at being interrupted mid-audience) Tell the Lady Elizabeth that I will be there after… Aggh!
ANNE: (pulling his hair) Our daughter is more important than audiences – especially audiences with these people. The Seymours can wait. Elizabeth shouldn’t have to.
HENRY: I’ll go straight to see her. (Anne gets off his lap, allowing him to stand. He starts to extend his hand to Jane, but Anne slaps it down)
ANNE: She’s not coming with us, not this time.
HENRY: (mutters) Whatever you want. (bows to Jane) Excuse me. (to Messenger) Where has the Lady Elizabeth been lodged?
MESSENGER: (bows) She has been lodged in the rooms she occupied on her last visit, Your Majesty.
HENRY: (sees Anne nodding approval and does the same) Excellent.
*He and Anne start to make their way through the corridors to the chamber where Elizabeth will be staying. Once they get close, they hear Elizabeth’s voice from within and Anne holds out a hand to halt Henry before he can go in.*
ELIZABETH: (offscreen) Where’s Mama? I want to see my Mama!
LADY BRYAN: (offscreen, mostly sympathetic but a little exasperated at the same time) We have spoken of this, Lady Elizabeth. Your mother has had to go away, to live with God.
ELIZABETH: (offscreen) But I want her!
LADY BRYAN: (offscreen, very gently) I’m sorry, child.
*Outside, Anne gives Henry a filthy look, pushing him into the room before he can chicken out. Lady Bryan curtsies when he enters and motions for Elizabeth to do the same but she just stares up at him.*
ANNE: Tell Lady Bryan to leave.
HENRY: (doesn’t take his eyes off Elizabeth, looking for any sign that she can see Anne but she doesn’t seem to) Thank you, Lady Bryan, you may leave us.
LADY BRYAN: Yes, Your Majesty. (she curtsies and withdraws)
HENRY: (Glances back at Anne for guidance, then smiles awkwardly at Elizabeth, crouching down and holding out his arms) Sweetheart.
ELIZABETH: Papa! (runs to Henry and he hugs her) I want Mama, Papa.
HENRY: (Glances back at Anne again, kind of confused) She’s... she’s gone.
ELIZABETH: Bring her back. You’re the King. Make Mama come back.
HENRY: I... I can’t.
ELIZABETH: Why did Mama go away?
HENRY: (can’t bring himself to answer. He releases Elizabeth and backs away, hurrying out of the room before she can ask any more awkward questions. He doesn’t notice that Anne doesn’t follow)
ELIZABETH: (Once Henry is gone, she looks straight at Anne, giggling) Fooled him!
*Quick flashback to Anne holding a finger to her lips as she enters behind Henry, mouthing to Elizabeth to pretend that she’s not there*
ANNE: (laughs, sweeping Elizabeth up in her arms and hugging her tightly) Yes, you did, my darling. My clever girl. (kisses her) I’ve missed you so much.
ELIZABETH: They said you were gone.
ANNE: (hesitates; what do you tell a small child?) I... I was.
ELIZABETH: But you’re back now.
ANNE: Yes, sweetheart – but it has to be our secret. Can you keep a secret for Mama? (Elizabeth nods solemnly) Good girl. (A tear trickles down her cheek as she whispers) Everything’s going to be okay now, I promise.
*Henry and Brandon are outside, walking around the pond in silence. Anne is wandering a short distance ahead of them, seemingly ignoring them both. Henry is nervous and doesn’t take his eyes off her.*
BRANDON: (kind of worried about Henry, he keeps his tone determinedly cheerful) How have thing been for Your Majesty since I saw you last?
HENRY: Don’t ask.
BRANDON: It must be nice to be properly married at last – and, after everything the Lady Anne put you through, there’s not a man, woman or child in England who isn’t happy for you now that you’re finally free of that whore and married to a good woman like Queen Jane.
HENRY: (hastily) Shh! She’ll hear you! (Realizing what he’s just said, he tries to salvage it) I mean, there’s no need to talk about Anne like that. She’s dead. Whatever she did, she’s paid the price for it. (He watches Anne, wondering if she’s heard him defend her and if its won him any Brownie points or Get Out Of Torture Free cards but she gives no sign of having heard a word of it)
BRANDON: (nods slowly, bewildered by this behaviour from a man who was ranting against Anne not too long ago) As you wish, Your Majesty.
*They walk in silence for a couple of minutes, Henry keeping a wary eye on Anne, waiting for her to do something unspeakably horrible to him. She doesn’t and, after a few moments, he relaxes his vigilance a little and turns his attention to Brandon.*
HENRY: (slowly) Charles…
BRANDON: Your Majesty?
HENRY: When you told me that there were rumours about the Que… about Anne’s behaviour, what exactly had you heard?
BRANDON: (The cogs can almost be seen turning in his brain as he inwardly debates his response; if Henry is starting to regret having Anne executed, he might want reassurance that she was guilty and that he was right to have her executed but, on the other hand, he could also become very pissed if he gets it into his head that Brandon knew something concrete and didn’t tell him straight away) I…
HENRY: (impatient, and a trifle angry) Charles! I need to know.
BRANDON: (to describe him as ‘uncomfortable’ would be an understatement of considerable proportions and there’s a strong vein of guilt in his voice when he speaks) There were just… rumours, Your Majesty. It was known that she entertained men in her rooms.
HENRY: (looks thoughtful. We see him have a quick flashback to episode 2.07, when he walked in on one of Anne’s gatherings, with lots of men and women present) Yes, I know that there were some gatherings in her rooms, I visited her during one of them – I doubt that she would dare to cuckold me before witnesses. She was no fool.
BRANDON: (swallows nervously) As I said, Your Majesty, there were rumours, and a great deal of speculation about the Queen’s behaviour. Many people were speaking of her.
HENRY: And yet you were the first to bring it to my notice. I did not hear a word from anybody else. Strange. I would think that there would be many who would want to win my gratitude by warning me if Anne’s behaviour gave cause for concern. Do you think that they feared that they would not be believed? Or did they hesitate to bring me news that they knew would wound me?
BRANDON: (if the Earth opened up right now and swallowed him whole, he would be a happy, happy Brandon) I cannot say. As Your Majesty’s friend, I thought that you should know of the rumours, even if they turned out to be unfounded - as I hoped they would.
HENRY: (looks at him, weighing the sincerity of his words – or lack thereof – then he glances at Anne, who is still paying no attention to them, and raises his voice for her benefit) I do not think that I would have believed it of her, had I not heard it from the lips of a friend as dear and trusted as you, Charles. I knew that you would never lie to me about something like that. Why would you?
ANNE: (half-turns to look back at Henry, rolling her eyes) Stop tormenting the poor man. If you didn’t want to believe it, he wouldn’t have been able to convince you and if you did, you’d have taken the word of a beggar you’d never met before over mine.
HENRY: (dismayed at not being able to shift some of Anne’s anger to a head that isn’t his) Anne…
ANNE: (silences him with an imperious wave of her hand and turns away from him, looking ahead)
BRANDON: (has not failed to notice Henry saying Anne’s name, he tentatively asks) Do you… do you miss her?
HENRY: (snorts) How can I miss her? She hasn’t left… I mean, it feels as though she hasn’t left.
BRANDON: (nods understandingly) When Margaret died, I felt the same way. Everything reminded me of her and when I dreamed, I could see her.
HENRY: Only when you dreamed? (sees the bewildered expression on Brandon’s face and puts an arm around his shoulder) Never mind. Let us speak of more pleasant things.
*Brandon is more than happy to go with this idea and he allows Henry to lead him off*
HENRY: (As they walk, he notices that Anne isn’t moving. When they pass her by, he looks back and, for a split second, he can see a group of shadowy figures surrounding her) What the… (he blinks and when he looks again, the figures have disappeared. As he and Brandon walk away, he looks back at Anne several times but he doesn’t see the figures again)
Curious about who's keeping Anne company? More from them next episode. I'm sure that you've all guessed at least some of their identities, but I hope there'll be a couple of surprises for you.
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THE RETURN OF THE QUEEN
Episode the Third
(In which the timeline is grievously abused)
*Morning. Henry is in a private dining room, tucking into a ‘light’ breakfast – consisting of enough food to feed a medium sized army and enough ale to float a ship – while Anne stands by the window. A place has been set for Jane but she hasn’t appeared yet. The servants have been dismissed.*
HENRY: (Looks up at Anne between mouthfuls of food, a curious, mildly concerned expression on his face) Do you want to join… can you… I mean, do you ever get hungry?
ANNE: (amused) I’ve been haunting you for the past two and a half months and you’re only asking that now? (Gestures to her dress, the purple one from episode 1.10) Have you even noticed that I also change gowns?
HENRY: I didn’t think of it… how am I supposed to know what all the rules are?! If I can see you and you can talk to me, why would I assume anything?
ANNE: I’m dead, remember?
HENRY: That doesn’t stop you tormenting me! Why would it stop you eating?
ANNE: For one thing, my digestive system isn’t what it used to be – what do you think would happen to the food once I’d eaten it?
HENRY: (thinks about it for a moment before making a face) That’s disgusting.
ANNE: (shrugs unrepentantly) You wanted to know. (takes pity on him and answers his question) I don’t get hungry or thirsty any more but I can eat and drink if I want to, just not stuff from your plane of existence. (She holds out her hand and, with a flash of silver-white light, a small plate of food appears. Realizing that she doesn’t have a fork, she takes one from Jane’s place setting) You don’t mind if I borrow this, do you?
HENRY: (nose twitching at the smell of Anne’s cake) What is that? It smells delicious!
ANNE: (scooping up a forkful of cake) This? You wouldn’t like it.
HENRY: (whiny tone) How can you know that if you don’t let me try it? (He snatches up his fork and tries to swipe some of the cake but his fork passes straight through it) Come on!
ANNE: (warningly) Remember our discussion about table manners. Eat your own breakfast.
HENRY: (subsides, pouting. The food in front of him doesn’t look as appetising as it did a minute ago. He watches as Anne takes a bite of her cake.) Will you at least tell me what you’re eating?
ANNE: Quintuple layer chocolate cake and strawberry ice cream. (at Henry’s blank look) It’s going to be a long time before it’s available to the living. (She takes a bite, savouring it)
HENRY: (sceptically) You’re telling me that the dead are able to get food that we can’t. (Anne’s mouth is full so she nods in response instead of speaking) That’s not fair!
ANNE: (rolls her eyes as she swallows) We have to have some perks.
HENRY: ‘We’? Are you telling me that you’re not the only one?
ANNE: Of course I’m not! I’m hardly the first or the last person to die.
HENRY: That’s not what I mean and you know it. How many others are there like you, people who’ve died but who are still sticking around to torment the living?
ANNE: (shrugs) No idea.
HENRY: You have to know! Tell me!
ANNE: It’s not like all the ghosts in the world meet up once a week for coffee and doughnuts. (At Henry’s blank look) Never mind. I have no idea how many of us are out there. Probably a lot; if people stick around, they tend to have a reason, unfinished business, unspent anger, ties to the living, and so on.
HENRY: (His eyes widen as he thinks about all the dead people who might conceivably have a grudge against him) Could there be other ghosts around here? Ones I can’t see or hear…
ANNE: Henry, the only reason you can see and hear me is because I let you see and hear me.
HENRY: So there could be others? Ones I can’t see?
ANNE: (paying more attention to her cake and ice cream than to him, she nods distractedly) Very possibly. Could you pass me one of those goblets – the glass one, please, the metal ones ruin the taste. (Henry obediently takes the glass goblet from Jane’s place setting and passes it to her) Thank you. (As soon as Anne’s fingers close around the stem of the goblet, it starts to gleam and pink liquid starts bubbling in it, filling it almost to the brim)
HENRY: What is that?
ANNE: Pink lemonade – goes great with the cake.
HENRY: (for once, he has more important things to worry about than food) Would you know?
ANNE: Would I know what?
HENRY: If there were other ghosts around here, ghosts who were mad at me.
HENRY: And if you did, would you tell me?
ANNE: Of course not. (she moves over to the table, sitting down in the chair on Henry’s left, the place set for Jane) Where’s Jane? I would have thought that she’d want to get here before you’d eaten every crumb on the table. (Sees from Henry’s expression that he’s just realized that his wife – the living one – should be there. Speaks sarcastically) Does Jane know how lucky she is to have such a thoughtful, considerate husband, so alert to her every need?
HENRY: Be quiet. Why wouldn’t you tell me if there were other ghosts with a grudge against me hanging around the palace?
ANNE: (sighs) I married an idiot.
HENRY: And I married a bitch! (remembers annulment) I mean, I didn’t really marry you… we had a ceremony and everything and I believed that we were married, but it wasn’t truly valid so I…
ANNE: Don’t bother trying to work out your logic, Henry; it’ll just give you a headache. Heaven knows that it does that for just about everybody else who tries to understand what goes on in your head.
*Before Henry can come up with a suitable retort, Jane is announced and she enters. She looks slightly paler than usual and there are beads of sweat on her forehead.*
JANE: (curtsies to Henry) Forgive me for my tardiness, my lord. I was indisposed. (She walks towards the table and her usual chair. Obviously, she doesn’t see that it’s already occupied)
ANNE: (clearly has no intention of moving. She addresses Henry) If she sits on me, I’m going to start breaking things – your bones, to be precise. (Kicks him in the ankle, hard, for emphasis)
HENRY: (knowing better than to push his luck when Anne is pissed with him, he leaps to his feet and darts over to Jane’s side, limping slightly. He catches her by the arm before she cat sit down and pulls her over to the chair opposite Anne) Sit here, my love.
JANE: (surprised at being led over to a chair without a place setting, but she doesn’t argue) As you wish, my lord.
HENRY: (scowls at an unrepentant Anne as he hurriedly snatches up the empty plate and the knife in front of Anne to set them before Jane) There you are. (Realizes that he doesn’t have a goblet or a fork for her because Anne is using them, he looks around for a while before grabbing his own and passing them to her) All set. (He sits back down on his own chair) What would you like for breakfast? We have bread and fruit and fish and beef and cheese…
JANE: (As Henry lists the various foods, her face gradually becomes paler and paler, taking on an almost greenish tinge)
HENRY: …and eggs and ale…
JANE: (Springs up from her seat and makes a dash from the room, holding a hand to her mouth and gulping heavily to keep from retching)
HENRY: (Shocked, he calls after her) Jane?! What is the matter?
ANNE: (rolls her eyes and starts to count slowly) One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
HENRY: (bewildered) Why are you counting?
ANNE: Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen.
HENRY: Anne! What is going on here?!
ANNE: (patiently waiting for the penny to drop) Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-One. Twenty-Two.
HENRY: (realization slowly dawns) Oh…
ANNE: (claps slowly) Well done, Henry. It only took you until twenty-two. I think that’s a personal best.
HENRY: (Ignoring her, he springs from his chair and starts running after Jane)
ANNE: (casually stretches out her foot as he passes her and trips him up, sending him tumbling face first to the floor. When he stands, he has a bloody nose)
HENRY: (glares) Very funny!
ANNE: I thought so.
*With one last glare, Henry hurries out of the room in pursuit of Jane. Left alone at the table, Anne calmly polishes off her cake and ice cream. She turns slightly to her left, as if in response to a touch and smiles half-heartedly, looking a bit sad.*
ANNE: I’m okay, really – we knew that this was going to happen sooner or later, right? (Pause for response. Anne’s smile becomes more genuine) Yes, she will make a wonderful Queen one day. (sighs) I wish I was able to help you all come back properly. You could help me keep Henry in line. (Another pause for response) I don’t know when; it will probably be a while longer, I’m afraid but I’m going to keep trying. In the meantime, however, (she smiles wickedly) I’ve got an idea that we may want to try…
*Night. Henry enters his bedchamber with a half-wary, half-determined expression on his face. He is accompanied by several servants but when he sees Anne reclining on his bed, he dismisses them and starts to change his clothes.*
ANNE: (raises a surprised eyebrow) You’re going to get changed for bed by yourself tonight? I didn’t think that you knew how.
HENRY: (continues undressing, fumbling a little bit with the laces of his doublet but otherwise managing well. His expression is sour as he looks at Anne) I thought that it would be best for all concerned if I didn’t have company while you were hanging around here. If people keep hearing you talk to me…
ANNE: (interrupts) They can’t hear me. They hear you answering me.
HENRY: And they’re going to start thinking that I’m going mad!
ANNE: (snorts in amusement) Start?
HENRY: You know what I mean. Since I can’t trust you to behave yourself in front of people, I have to send my servants away.
ANNE: Are you suggesting that this is my fault?
HENRY: It’s not as if I’m haunting myself!
ANNE: And I wouldn’t be able to haunt you if I wasn’t dead! (She snatches up a gold candlestick from Henry’s bedside and pitches it at him, hitting him in the stomach and knocking the wind out of him. She giggles) Remind me to paint a bull’s-eye on your stomach. I’ve always wanted to learn archery and it’s getting to be a bigger target by the day.
HENRY: (His eyes widen in panic as he makes a mental note not to remind Anne of anything of the sort. He glances down at his stomach self consciously, taking off his doublet and standing in front of the mirror in his shirt and hose, sucking in his gut and wondering if he really is gaining weight. He muses aloud) Maybe I need to go riding more often…
ANNE: Your poor horse. I’ve found that there are more… (knowing smirk) …pleasant ways of exercising – but I guess that you’re not going to be able to do that now, not for about eight or nine months, at least, now that your dear Jane is with child and won’t be able to satisfy you.
HENRY: (Gets ready to retort but thinks better of it, not wanting to get more stuff thrown at him)
ANNE: (Guessing what he’s thinking, she frowns in mock-reproach) Henry! Are you telling me that you would cheat on your beloved ‘true wife’?! Shame on you! In any case, it’s not going to happen.
HENRY: And why not? Unlike some people I could name, Jane understands that a man has needs that have to be satisfied and that, at times like this, taking a mistress is a King’s privilege. She wouldn’t complain about it… if I were going to take a mistress, I mean. Which I’m not.
ANNE: (rolls her eyes) I’m sure that the thought never crossed your mind. And Jane wouldn’t be the problem. You’re not going to find many women at court who’ll be willing to settle for just being your mistress, not anymore. They’re all going to be aiming higher. A lot higher.
HENRY: What’s that supposed to mean?
ANNE: Haven’t you figured it out yet? Look at your track record; I wouldn’t sleep with you, so you divorced Katherine to marry me. Jane lets you wear her favour and sits on your knee but is apparently too virtuous to accept the purse of gold you sent her and you have me and four others murdered so that you can marry her. I have to admit, I didn’t think the cow had it in her to be so sly but I guess I was wrong; she definitely had your measure and she played you like a pro.
HENRY: (clearly discomfited by Anne’s observations about Jane) How could you know about the purse? I sent that to her in secret, and Brandon would never have said anything, especially to you, of all people.
ANNE: I have my sources. (Returns to the subject at hand) Don’t you get it? You’ve started a pattern and the only way you’re going to get a woman now is if you’re offering her marriage and a crown. Of course, the only way you’re going to be able to do that is by getting rid of your present wife – which you obviously have no plans to do – so you’re looking at being a one-woman man, for the rest of your life. Considering the woman you picked, I’d almost feel sorry for you under other circumstances. (She gets up and walks over to pat him on the shoulder) Looks like it’s celibacy for you… but I’m sure it’ll all be worth it, once the baby is born.
HENRY: (His eyes widen in alarm and he reaches out to grab Anne’s wrist, his hand passing straight through her. He glares at her as he speaks) I don’t know what you have planned but if you’re thinking about doing something to Jane and our son, forget about it. If you try, I will…
ANNE: (challengingly) You’ll what? You can’t lay a finger on me and you know it. I, on the other hand… (She swings a fist at Henry, sending him flying with a powerful right hook. He collides with the wall and falls to the floor)
HENRY: (Spits out a mouthful of blood and one molar before looking up at Anne with mingled fear and awe. His voice is muffled when he speaks) Where did you learn to throw a punch like that?
ANNE: (Ignoring the question, she glares down at Henry) That’s for thinking that I’d hurt a baby. My quarrel is with you, and a little bit with Jane. Not with your child. Understand?
HENRY: (nods and pulls himself to his feet to continue getting ready for bed. He undresses, pausing before he takes off his shirt and looking at Anne) Do you mind?
ANNE: (smirks but averts her eyes) It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.
HENRY: (embarrassed) I don’t want you saying… stuff.
ANNE: Like what? That it’s shrinking?
HENRY: (manages, with a great deal of effort, not to look down to check) Exactly. (While Anne is looking away, he finishes changing into his nightshirt and moves towards the bed. When Anne makes no move to leave, he frowns) Are you planning on staying here all night?
ANNE: (nods cheerfully) I thought that you’d appreciate the company since you’re all alone.
HENRY: (sighs) As long as you don’t torture me. It’s been a long day and I’m not in the mood.
ANNE: I won’t torture you. I promise.
HENRY: (eyes her suspiciously but she seems to be sincere so he lets it go. He climbs into bed and settles under the covers) Goodnight.
ANNE: Goodnight. You don’t mind if I leave the candles lit, do you? I want to read.
HENRY: Would it make any difference if I did mind?
ANNE: None whatsoever.
HENRY: Then be my guest.
*Anne selects a book from the desk in the corner and settles in a chair to read it while Henry rolls over. He quickly drops off to sleep and once he does, Anne sets down her book and approaches the bed, leaning forward to make sure that he actually is asleep before looking up.*
ANNE: He’s asleep. Is everybody ready? (Pause for response) Okay, just be careful not to wake him up. On three. One.(She touches Henry’s temple lightly with her left hand) Two. (She extends her right hand towards her invisible companions.) Three. (First, her right hand glows with her usual silver-white light, which shimmers across her arms and shoulders before being channelled through her left hand, into Henry’s head)
HENRY: (snores a little, then rolls over onto his side)
ANNE: (whispers) Good luck, guys.
*Henry opens his eyes and finds himself standing in the room that he chased Anne through in his dream sequence in episode 1.03, except that this time, he’s all alone and the room is much darker.*
HENRY: Anne? (he sees a shadow looming behind him and whirls around but nobody’s there) Is this another of your games? (He feels something brush against him and nearly jumps out of his skin) Anne! (He hears mocking laughter) This isn’t funny! Whatever you’re doing, stop it!
*Two cloaked, hooded figures appear, one on either side of Henry, taking him by the arms*
FIRST: (The voice is male, familiar but slightly distorted) Anne’s right. She does get blamed for everything.
HENRY: (frowns) Do I know you? Where’s Anne? What does she think she’s doing?
SECOND: (another male voice) Anne’s not here right now. (Laughs and extends one arm) You’re going to have to make do with us.
*The room brightens slightly and Henry (and the audience) can see another four figures standing around. All six wear black cloaks and hoods, together with black masks that conceal their faces. All of the voices are distorted, just enough so that Henry can’t recognize them. Henry struggles against their grip but he can’t escape.*
THIRD: (female) What should we do with him?
FOURTH: (male) I have some ideas.
FIFTH: (male) As do I.
SIXTH: (female) We all do. (to Second) I think that you should get first pick.
SECOND: (Considers for a moment) The rack.
HENRY: What?! NO! You can’t do this to me! I’m the King of England!!!!
*Henry redoubles his efforts to escape but it’s six against one so obviously, it doesn’t do him any good. Between them, the Six pick him up and carry him, kicking and screaming, through the double doors that should lead to the throne room but which open to reveal a torture chamber. The rack is in the centre of the room, waiting. Henry shrieks like a banshee as he is strapped in and we fade to black.*
*Back in Henry’s bedchamber, he is tossing and turning, crying out in his sleep, his forehead beading with sweat.*
ANNE: (Looks up for a moment, then returns her attention to her book, calmly reading as Henry tosses and turns)
SCENE III*Morning. Once again, the table is laden down with food but Henry hasn’t touched a crumb so far. His face is white as a sheet and he has dark shadows under his eyes. Anne is sitting at the table with him, reading a modern looking notebook.*
HENRY: (Picks up a carafe of water to pour himself a drink but his hands are shaking and he winds up dropping the goblet, pouring the water on his trousers)
ANNE: (giggles) You’d better change once you’re finished here. If anybody sees that, they’ll think you’ve had an accident.
HENRY: (half-hearted) Be quiet.
ANNE: (sweetly) Rough night?
HENRY: (sighs deeply, using a napkin to blot the spilled water) You could say that.
ANNE: (very cheerful) I figured as much. You were tossing and turning all night, and the screaming! I had to stuff a sock in your mouth so that I could read in peace.
HENRY: So that’s how that got there… (scowls) And it never occurred to you to wake me up when you heard me screaming?
ANNE: (innocently) You keep telling me that you want me to leave you alone. I figured that you wouldn’t want to be disturbed… even if you did sound like you were being stretched out on a rack, branded with hot irons, made to learn how to crochet, boiled alive, disembowelled and then forced to write out “I will not have innocent people framed and murdered so that I can marry some stupid Seymour wench” ten thousand times with a leaking quill.
HENRY: What a coincidence that you should say that… I thought you promised not to torture me last night. Torturing me in my dreams is still torturing me!
ANNE: Henry! I’m hurt - hurt! - that you would even think that I would visit you in your dreams to torture you. It’s so much more fun doing it for real. (grabs an apple and chucks it at him, hitting him in the nose) See?
HENRY: OW! By doze! Dis ibn’t fuddy! (holds one hand to his now bloody nose, tenderly checking it for breaking) Oo boke it!
ANNE: You had my head cut off! That calls for more than a quick slap on the wrist, don’t you think?
HENRY: (unconvincingly) No. (his nose is streaming blood and he grabs a clean napkin to staunch the flow) I ‘ade oo!
ANNE: No, dear, you decapitated me. You ate Leda.
HENRY: (very confused) Oo’s Leda?
ANNE: A friend. (eyes Henry’s now very swollen and rapidly purpling nose) I think that you may need to see a physician about that. Do let me know how you’ll explain the broken nose to Dr Linacre, won’t you?
HENRY: (glares at her as he hurries away, holding the napkin to his nose as he exits the room) *As Henry leaves, he doesn’t close the door behind him and voices can be heard from where Anne is sitting.*
VOICE 1: Am I losing my mind or did His Majesty wet himself?!
VOICE 2: I don’t think you’re losing your mind…
VOICE 3: What did he do to his nose?
ANNE: (giggles a little before sobering) Poor Henry. Under other circumstances, I’d feel sorry for him. They’ll be locking him away in a padded cell if I don’t start being more careful, though. (Pause while one of the Six says something) Yes, I think that would be a bad thing! He’s Elizabeth’s father, after all, and she’s going to need his protection. (Another pause. Anne holds up the notebook she was reading) This? The Higher Power left Her notes for future episodes lying around next to Her laptop.
WRITER (aka. THE HIGHER POWER to the characters): (disembodied voice) So that’s where I put them. I’ve been looking everywhere! Can I have them back now?
ANNE: In a minute. Turns out that it’ll be a while before I can corporealize you… (one of the Six interrupts to say something, Anne smirks) Do you want to see me torture Henry more because you think that it will help me get the power to bring you back permanently or because you want to see Henry get tortured some more? Or maybe it’ll actually work… (flips through the pages to check)
WRITER: Anne, could you please give me back my notebook and stop reading the spoilers?
ANNE: (Ignoring Writer) There’s something here about Halloween: “The ancient Gaels believed that on October 31, the boundary between the alive and the deceased dissolved.” (Smiles at the Six) That sounds promising, don’t you think?
WRITER: Anne, the notebook…
ANNE: All in favour of giving Henry a Halloween he’ll never forget? (Pause for chorus of Ayes) The Ayes have it. Now you can have your notebook back. (sets notebook down on table and watches as it disappears into thin air)
WRITER: Thank you.
*A plate of chocolate chip cookies appears on the table*
ANNE: (picks up a cookie and is about to take a bite when she sees something that makes her lose her appetite. She scowls at two of the Six) Come on! I thought we had a deal: you promised that you wouldn’t do that in front of me! (glances upwards) Can’t You do something about that?!
WRITER: Sorry. We need the pairing.
*Fade to black while Anne pouts. The last thing we hear is an indignant, slightly whiny “Get a room!”*
| COMMENT:So when are we going to hear more about these mystery characters?? |
BY MEMBER: FMFJRMGRL
| COMMENT: Excellent! Extremely entertaining and satisfying! And yes, when are we going to found out more about the mysterious Six? |
BY MEMBER: TheSecondWife
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